Why is it so hard to change, even when we know what helps?

It’s just the beginning of the year and most new year resolutions might have already ‘failed’ - why is that?

You might have noticed this in yourself:

you know what would support you,

you know the steps,

and yet…

starting still feels strangely difficult.

Insight is not enough

The thing is, human behaviour doesn’t shift just because we have insight.

When a task feels demanding, uncertain, or emotionally loaded, the nervous system tends to prioritise steadiness over change.

Hesitation is often a protective response, not a lack of motivation.

The weight of “Shoulds”

In a society where we’re told to always be doing, improving, and grinding, hesitation can feel like failure.

Telling yourself you should act only adds tension—and the more tension, the harder it is to actually move.

Pressure rarely leads to lasting change. Safety, clarity, and pausing do.

“Resistance is assistance”

In Gestalt therapy, we say: “resistance is assistance”. What looks like “not doing” often points to what needs attention—capacity, unresolved issues, fear, or a need for safety.

Resistance isn’t something to eliminate—it’s something to listen to.

How this shows up in therapy

Because therapy touches vulnerable or deeply ingrained patterns, resistance can become more noticeable.

Feeling stuck or hitting a wall in session isn’t a setback. It’s information about what feels risky or tender.

How resistance can appear in session

It may look like:

• changing the subject

• intellectualising experiences

• showing up “fine” while feeling stuck

• avoiding emotional material

• feeling blank, foggy, or overwhelmed

All of these are meaningful signals of how your system maintains safety, not signs that therapy isn’t working or that you’re not ‘doing it right’.

A different approach

Instead of trying to push past hesitation, therapy encourages noticing and exploring it.

Instead of: “What should I fix or change right now?”

We may ask: “What is this hesitation or resistance telling me about my needs, fears, or limits?”

Paying attention to these signals often creates the space where real progress can begin.

How change actually happens

Change becomes possible when the protective parts of you feel seen rather than overridden.

As these parts are understood, they loosen naturally—and action emerges with less effort.

This is what we call “the paradoxical theory of change”.

Resistance is a meaningful part of how we protect ourselves, both in daily life and in therapy.

If you notice these patterns in your own process and would like support understanding them, you’re welcome to reach out.

I’m here to offer a space where we can explore your pace, your needs, and what feels possible for you right now.

References

Sheeran, P. (2002). Intention–Behavior Relations: A Conceptual and Empirical Review. European Review of Social Psychology, 12(1), 1–36.

Webb, T. L., & Sheeran, P. (2006). Does changing behavioral intentions engender behavior change? Psychological Bulletin, 132(2), 249–268.

Photo: LiCheng Shih/Flickr